Being a twin is a very strange thing psychologically and emotionally. Being with someone from the literal moment you are created and growing and experiencing everything with them side by side, creates a bond that you wouldn't believe. You always have someone your own age to play with or talk to and you are seemingly going through the same things at the same time, so you always have someone who understands. In a weird way, especially when you are young you don't really need much else as long as that person is right next to you.
There is a misconception with twins that when one feels pain the other can feel it as well, and while we don't have the power to physically feel pain when the other one does, we feel each others pain on an emotional level as many people do with loved ones, this may just be to a deeper extent. We have an intuition that makes it so we can in a sense read each others minds. I know exactly what he is thinking in a given situation and vice versa.
Having a twin, at least for me is like having half of you be another person so when we are apart I feel like I'm missing half of my body. My connection with my brother is also a little bit different because he has Cerebral Palsy and that has effected and shaped me as a person more than anything else in my life.
I don't remember ever comparing my brother to myself or to anyone else, I remember from a very young age knowing that he couldn't walk, but I never asked why. It didn't make any difference to me it was our life, it was how I grew up and it is something I'm use too.
A lot of times though, I did ask why not me. I used every birthday and every christmas wish as well as frequent prayers asking if somehow, I could trade places with him for just One day. If for one day he could do all the things that I got to do, because he wouldn't take them for granted.
In my eyes he will always be a superhero, I do know however that until about a year ago the guilt that I felt over the fact that he was the one with the Cerebral Palsy and not me stopped me from doing a lot of things most people my age do. It was never anything he said or did to me that made me feel this way, it was an innate feeling that I had to fix what was wrong, but I didn't know how and I hadn't yet learned how to cope with that. My entire life up until that point had been about him, because I made it that way and I didn't know any better. It was going to be Brett and I against the world.
But about two years ago when my anxiety was at its peak I started going to a therapist and over the course of that first year I realized Brett and I had created a sort of bubble that we lived in. Now we both have friends and go out and do things but not to the extent with which we should, and I was driving home from college to spend every weekend with him not because anybody asked me to but because I felt so bad for leaving that I had to make it better. But once I realized that if I didn't push myself outside of the little bubble him and I created for ourselves, neither one of us were going to live up to our potential. We were going to be content, but we weren't going to be happy.
Brett believes in me more than anyone I believe in him the same. The best way for me to thank Brett and give back to him all he has given me is for me to get out into the world and live my life. It is to pursue my wildest dreams and go a million different places, and help others and show people my heart, because I believe that that is part of my purpose in life.
I truly believe that Brett can do anything and what better way to show him that than to do everything. There is a lot more to this story and I can't wait to share more of it in my next post.