As with a lot of my post I want to share with you another thing that I am afraid of. The whole reason I wanted to start a blog was to tell my story, in hopes that it can help someone else with their feelings. I feel a sense of strength every time I share something that maybe hard to talk about, but I think that is the only way we are ever going to understand each other. We have to make the time to listen instead of defend, you have the right to feel the way you feel and so does everybody else. I am so blessed and thankful for the life I have and the people and opportunities that I've been given, but I think it's important to know the entire story. I share these things because I think it is important to realize that what may be a basic step to take in one persons life may be the hardest step someone else has ever taken.
Personal victories are a weird thing for me, as they can be for a person with a disabled sibling. There are a few factors at play that make celebrating a personal achievement uncomfortable. For me personally there are three:
One is I am seriously afraid of sounding conceded. Even by saying this I worry that I make myself sound like someone who thinks she is better than another person when in actuality, until very recently I was a person who didn't think very highly of herself at all.
The second problem plays off the idea I mentioned last time about expectation. When I do something that makes me feel good about myself I am always waiting for the critique on what I did wrong, because to me its more important to fix the next thing then it is to relish in the victory.
The last thing is the role my brother plays. I am hesitant to celebrate anything that I do in fear of making him feel bad. He often compares himself to me, as most siblings do especially twins, and there are things that I have achieved that he is either working on or as of right now he simply can't do, and that kills me. As a family his victories are very important, as are mine but I have certain expectations put on me that make it so some things that are a victory for him are just an expectation of me, and unless my accomplishment is something really big like graduating college we don't celebrate mine as outwardly in respect for his feelings.
Now this doesn't bother me most of the time, it just means that I'm still learning how to accept a compliment and I am also learning that it is okay to celebrate a personal victory or accomplishment. You are allowed to feel good about yourself, there is a difference between confident and stuck-up that you have to be careful not to cross, but the point is that something as simple as creating this blog, for me, was a personal victory and I was proud of myself when I published my first post and all the ones I have posted since, for someone else the concept of publishing writing on the internet is nothing.
Until you know what someone has been through you can't judge the size of the steps they have taken.